Time machine, please be real

I regret a lot lately. Menyesal pernah begini dan begitu. Menyesal dulu kenal si ini dan si itu. Rentetan daftar penyesalan gue bakal lebih panjang dari struk belanjaan bulanan mungkin. And it's getting worst when it's related to you, pumpkin.

How many times I stratch you deeply? I try not to break you down but I always did. Many times. Setiap kita ribut, aku selalu wondering kenapa nggak ada truk mau nabrak aku sampe mati, loh. Atau langsung cari-cari info di mana bisa beli zat kimia yang bisa bikin KO dalam waktu cepat. But too bad, segala sesuatu yang instan dan bagus itu mahal. Bahkan cara mati sekalipun. Nembak Beretta 99 mm ke kepala udah pasti mati, tapi harga Beretta itu 20 juta satu biji. Nelen arsenik 500 mg bakal gagal sistem tubuh dalam hitungan, nggak mungkin tertolong dengan minum susu berbotol-botol karena arsenatus langsung ngerusak sistem liver & ginjal, tapi harga 250 mg arsenatus itu 450 ribu. See? Bahkan kematian instan yang pasti terjamin mati pun lo harus bayar mahal. Bahkan untuk keputusan bodoh pun orang harus berani dan gentle ngadepin rasa takut. Kalo mau nekat bunuh diri, ya, harus berani loncat ke rel kereta api, harus berani nahan sakit waktu ngiris nadi. Bunuh diri itu keputusan kecut yang mesti dijalanin bukan sebagai pengecut. Ini bukan melankolis berlebih, but that was what I really felt.

Mungkin sekarang udah yang kesejuta kalinya, ya, aku begini ke kamu. You have all the reason to be super mad at me.

Gue mual mendadak waktu denger popon cerita, "Ya udah, gue kayak ditunjukin gitu sm Allah kalo dia itu nggak baik buat gue". Damn shit. Nggak pake mikir dua kali, gue samber rokok di meja dan berhasil ngisep abis marlboro dalam setengah menit. Saat itu juga kepikir, what the fuck I've been done?! Ke mana dan ngapain aja gue selama ini? Ngapain gue begitu ke dia?! Segala macem kelebatan pikiran jelek mulai terlintas satu-satu di kepala. Bayangan jelek mulai dateng mulai dari : dia mendapati itu dari orang lain entah di mana, lalu marah besar, dan saat itu juga merasa apa yg gue lakukan dulu udah nggak mungkin ditoleransi. Some part of my consiousness scream, "Lo kebiasaan banget, sih, mikir yang nggak-nggak. Belom tentu kejadian kale". Then a fucker whisper again inside my head, "Kesalahan lo krusial. Lo nggak jujur dan nggak terbuka....bertahun-tahun lalu. You live with it like nothing happen. Now you and him go deeper, and you destrooooy everything with a single fact! Anything could happen, fool!"

And what I can do yesterday is : vomit, vomit, and vomit. Muak sama diri sendiri, muak sama kebodohan dan kelalaian diri sendiri beberapa tahun lalu.

Being hurt by the one you love is damn fucking hurt. But being the one who hurt the one you love is double worse. You feel for them. You feel how are they feeling. And you feel the guilt for hurting them. Double hell. You hurt them, means you hurt your self too.

and we're.....going on

it's March 23th. And life is still going on this way. Big and empty house. Dvd's for 24 hours nonstop. Sleep lately, rise lately. Take away food. Seeing bestfriend a couple times a week. Doing last assignment. Job resigning off. I guess my mom is right. I used to confused, because I'm lost I don't know what to do and where to go. That symptom, is happening again.

Once is enough.

I'm grateful, tho. For the house I live in. For family I had, they're not the best but they're all I had. For a good friends. For enough food to keep me alive. For a good health to keep me walk on my feet. For a good shot of chance to let me go to college. That is more than enough to be called as a good life.

I don't know how could I be such a stubborn asshole. Such an infidel. Rejecting Him. Distrust Him too much. Doubting too much. While all I have to do is being grateful for my recent life. My bad life is over. It's over since several years ago. My bad life stops when my Mom stop hitting me on my face, it stops when she stopped making a bruise on my body, it stops when we finally didn't need to sell something to eat, it stops when I move back here. My bad life stops a long time ago.

What I had now is not a bad life. It's a bad situation. Bad time. Bad self. I'm my worst enemy for my self. Good night

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I know You can do anything you like. You're a God. But please, this time...keep him away from any harm. He's suffered enough. Please..

this letter will never reach the recipient

I dont how what will be betwen us later. But for now, I'm glad that I've met you. That's should be enough. I love you. Good night, pumpkin

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Come on. It's been just 2 days you disappeared. Please stop messing my mind by being so missed-able. And stop following me in my dream!

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Saya paling susah buat nggak cengeng waktu kangen kamu. Seandainya ketemu kamu itu segampang ngebuka dompet dan ngeliat foto kamu senyum di situ.

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do tell me. why did you love to built a brick wall?